Until Next Time…

Do you know any cynics? It wouldn’t surprise me if you did.

Ask a cynic about the cartoons of their childhood and they’ll paint a picture of crass commercial exploit, where glorified 23-minute toy adverts encouraged hyperactive seven year-olds to pester their parents for costly action figures. I, on the other hand, have far rosier memories of carefully woven moral tales, imparting valuable lessons onto impressionable young minds.

Naturally, because we were stupid kids we needed it spelling out for us in 30 second recaps at the end of the episode. Here are a few examples from wholesome furry-thonged action series He-Man.

A cursory look over the contemporary equivalents of these cartoons reveals that although these moral messages still exist, they’re not as prevalent as they once were. Given that you can’t take two steps in any direction these days without standing on another bloody cynic, decrying lax moral fibre and diminishing parental responsibility, you might think our society needs even more of these messages.

I’m inclined to agree, but I don’t see why it should be limited to children’s television. Contemporary media is a subtle artform, and we can’t expect the viewers to take from it what the creative team beind that artform intended. With that in mind, I’d like to see educational messages of all stripes appended to popular television series, briefly summarising what the viewer is supposed to have learned. Naturally, these should be delivered in character by popular cast members.

Imagine, if you will:

House and Dr. Cuddy sit in the lab. They both turn to face the camera and smile.

HOUSE: Hi there. In today’s episode of House, you saw me pressuring an ill mother-to-be to abort the unborn fetus that was killing her.
CUDDY: And me stubbornly resisting this act because of my own history with failed pregnancy.

Both smile again.

HOUSE: In the end, Dr. Cuddy got her way, and only extraordinary luck and my medical brilliance prevented the death of both mother and fetus.
CUDDY: Although the appropriate course of action should have been to abort the child -
HOUSE: Fetus.
CUDDY: - child, House’s insensitivity towards both my feelings and the feelings of the mother spurred me on to make non-objective and dangerous decisions. Although everything turned out alright in the end, real life doesn’t always work like that.
HOUSE: So remember, when influencing life-or-death decisions, don’t let your own emotional baggage impair your judgment.
CUDDY: And be mindful of the feelings of all involved parties, for fear of alienating them. Especially when dealing with sensitive issues.

They exchange glances and smile for the camera once more.

HOUSE: Until next time…

Credits roll.

Or:

Jack Bauer sits in a cargo container, furtively glancing at the entrance, caked in sweat and someone else’s blood. He turns to the camera and flashes a big grin.

JACK: Hi there. In today’s story I threatened to gouge out a terrorist’s eye with a knife unless he revealed vital information. Although I was doing this to safeguard millions of American lives, real life rarely has stakes this high, and even when it does, you still have to reconcile that with whatever ethical boundaries you may have…

Or:

Gil Grisham sits at his desk, studying a cockroach. He puts it down and smiles to the camera.

Gil: Hi. On today’s CSI, you saw me make a rudimentary mathematical error based on an erroneous assumption regarding the specific density of human flesh, which led to the conviction of an innocent man…

Even if they don’t actually tack them on to the end of the episode, even if they just film them and have them as an optional DVD extra, these would be marvellous sanity checks for the overall concept of the show. I for one would find it refreshing and reassuring to know everyone involved, producer and viewer alike, actually took some time to think about how complex issues are being put across for the purpose of entertainment.

I’d also like to see the creative team behind Lost have to come up with a summary of what the viewer is supposed to have learned at the end of each episode. That’ll learn ‘em.